One Of....

... It was a beautiful night.. full moon, clear skies, stars above, smell of the ocean... and suddenly..

YOU ARE ONE OF THE BEST..

What!? Hold it.. hold dat moment for a sec. One of the Best?? How many izit actually. Ahahaha.. He categorized me? The-Best Group of his life? That line is a turn off frankly speaking but what a guy knows about the right words..

2011

Been a year and still it feels like yesterday.. Despite of my ego and anger.. I actually waited the whole one year for the same car that used to park in front of my house to park again on the same spot. I tip-toed to the window and peeped each time i heard footsteps or someone rang the bell or knocked. For a year.. for a year. That was stupid.. Yea yea.. I know. But i left 2010 with no regrets. I have decided that JANUARY 2011 is the last of my stupidity. So here i am now making a note in my blog.. a reminder.. BIG reminder that I should leave it all behind cuz I deserve to smile again.. I deserve to love again.. and foremost I deserve to LIVE again.

Happy New Year.. It's Rabbit Year n I definitely should go DIVING...

ThankS LifE

.. Finally I got my driving licence after all the stupid n lame excuses i made not to go to driving school for da past 8 years.. not forget all da money i wasted paying all the tickets. n now planning to get the underwater licence.. It sounds funny when u cant really swim but plan to take diving licence. Ahahaha.. But i definitely want to make it a fact.. Not juz a sentence in my blog. Im still 'balancing' my SPESEL saving account for my D90.. n now i have to include da diving licence which will cost me around RM900. Yaiy... Well.. Im juz a common lady who sumtime cant stop myself from 'misusing' my SPESEL saving.. Hmmpphhh... nevermind.. 5months more to go.. Ihihihi...

CRY

If anyone asks

I'll tell them we both just moved on

When people all stare

I'll pretend that I dont hear them talk

Whenever I see you

I swallow my pride and bite my tongue

Pretend im okay with it all

Act like there's nothing wrong

If anyone asks

I'll tell them we just grew apart

What do I care if they believe me or not

Whenever I feel your memory is breaking my heart

I'll pretend im okay with it all

Act like there's nothing wrong

Is it over yet?

Can I open my eyes?

Is this as hard as it gets?

Is this what it feels like to really cry?

I'm talking in circle

I'm lying they know it

Why wont this just all go away

MeaTBaLL SoUp

Mom cooked MeatBall Soup for breakfast. Yummy.. yummy.. My all time favorite. I was trying to use every sense of my taste buds when suddenly I got diz FUNNY call. Well, some people don't know how to ASK questions properly. They juz need more practise. They like to jump into conclusion and portray you as a SEXY LADY in red with two horns on top and long sharp pointed tail and a....? Hmm, wat u call the thing they carry around? I juz listened n decided to keep my mouth shut. I pity dat person actually.
My favorite yummy meatball soup started to taste weird. It turned sour and bitter. I learned at school, the only thing dat link to your tongue is your nose. Datz y food taste funny when u got flu.. Guess not.

TART

Holiday will be ere soon.. And the last holiday for 2009. Christmas holiday.. Im not celebrating Christmas. I juz like it cuz it's holiday. Hihi. So.. My idea of a perfect holiday is hang out with best friends at the rite place on the rite time.. Ahaha.. We all did hang out.. Rite time rite place.. Last month 5 days straight. So many shocking things happened this few months. So my last holiday diz year is sumthin dat I really need the most to summarize my life..
Hmm.. Where do I start? I broke up with TART.. Not his name. Juz a nickname dat I used to call him. I don’t even remember how did it came out at first place. As u all know.. Im broken-hearted. I cried myself to sleep every nite. It sounds pathetic but I'm not ashamed to admit it cuz sure almost every human has been through same experience like mine. That's totally normal so I can consider myself normal too. I spend most of my time hang out wit my best friends, clean up anything.. anything to keep myself bz.
I was like hell for the past few months. Then along the winding road.. I realize dat everybody cares bout me.. Thanx people.. Sumbody cares bout me..
I 'dissappeared' few times. I didn’t pick up calls. I didn’t reply any msgs. I spent whole day in the bedroom.. I was trying to get myself back on track. I was mad n sad n confuse so I went to a place where I could calm myself down n think straight again. A place where I spent whole day indoor watching my fav movies n surfing the internet n playing games n free meals. My gramma's place. Hihihi. I feel a bit better now..

FasTing

Finally.. Fasting fasting fasting.. Hopefully posa tahun ni dapat bertahan.. Huhuhu. I spent my first 3days of Ramadhan with my family. Then I went back to my place. Everyday.. 5pm sharp I accompany my friend AC berbuka since dia dgn hubby dia jak. Maybe she doesnt want me to spent my Ramadhan alone. Musuk isnt around. He's bz.. I dunno n I dowane think about it. So back to the berbuka part. Actually, everytime berbuka kami berempat cuz her hubby ada sorang kawan juga which can be consider as my friend also.

Now I wonder wat am I trying to tell ere. Izit bout the fasting month or the berbuka part wit her hubby's friend..? Ahahaha.. Since he's always around.. it starts to feel weird if he's not. Nggeeee.. I call him OTROMAN cuz of his hairstyle makes his head looks like ultraman figure.

Di4RieS

Nuttin much to do today. Juz the mandatory like sleeping n breathing. Im takin a day off. Other than dat I juz sit ere browsing, searching, typing n clicking. Sumhow.. I managed to clean my room n I found my precious... Ahahaha.

After so long I opened back all my diaries. Not really all of it since I started to write diary since I was in highschool n of course few chapters are missing.. N my most favourite will be my lil black book with lots of sketches in it. I like to draw o sketch by the way. Wateve u kol it. HUhuhu.. Reading all the diaries feels like traveling through time. Guess.. it's ok 2 go back 2 da past sumtime. Juz 2 remind me bout life. Who I used to be.. Where I used to stand.. All the crazy stuff dat I wrore.. anger, frustration, joy, love.. bla bla bla. The ups n downs. How it actually taught me 2b who I am now.

Reading all these diaries feels like standing on top of a mountain where u can see almost everything... which makes me wonder how wonderful n horrible life can be in a split second. Sumhow, I can summarize my life.. few years back.

I found my fav poem in there sumwhere.. My fav songs when I was in campus. My ehem ehem.. dont have to mention the name.. Hihihi. Funny. Isn't it fun when u can actually smile n laugh when u read back all the stupid things dat frustrated u long time ago. So, diaries are like soul healer.. it tells me dat it's ok to be unhappy or to have problems now cuz sumday when u finally get over it all.. It will become a chapter of ur book of life n the title will be 'Point to ponder' or 'Life's Like That' or 'Laughter is the Best Medicine'. Or maybe it can be reminders.. Did I learn sumthing from it? Am I goin 2 make da same mistakes? Am I a better person now? But foremost.. it's not about did I or did I not successfully went through the dark black hole.. it's all about HOW n WHAT I've learn after the rise n fall.

GrandMa

I miss my grandma everyday.. I miss her a lot.. She's my idol.. She raised me til I was 8.. I still remember my Yellow Musuk Blanket.. I couldnt sleep without it.. Kecik2 dlu.. p mna2 pn bekepit dgn blanket tu.. Ada la satu ari tu aku tertinggal blanket aku tuh ntah d mna sbb bawa skali blanket tu p men ngan my cousins d blakang uma d kampung. Mlm tu my grandma cari my blanket sampai jauh mlm sbb aku tak dpt tidur.. I miss her so much. Then.. blanket tu dah koyak rabak sbb cousin aku p lilit kat pokok mangga. Hahahaaa.. My grandma jahit blanket tu jadi bantal kecik malam tu jg pas dia cuci n keringkan guna iron.. Tu cuma small part of the story.. My grandma is the best.. byk pengorbanan my grandma for me.. even now.

Dah besar panjang ni pun.. kalu balik kampung my grandpa bagitau yang my grandma kekadang susah nak tido sebab bimbang aku tinggal sesorang kat uma. Ye la.. dah keja ni jauh dari family n I live alone in my small cute house.. Sumtime she wud kol in the middle of da nite asking samada aku dah kunci smua pintu.. Dah makan ke belum.. makan maggi jak ka.. dah mandi..

Ada sekali tu aku baru masuk keja n belum dapat gaji lagi so aku balik kampung pun duduk uma jak. Tetiba tengahari tu grandma ntah ke mana. Balik petang tu dia hulur sampul. Rupanya dia p bank kuarkan duit nak bagi pinjam kat aku.. My grandma tau sangat aku xkn trima kalu dia bagi so dia cakap ini kira pinjam. Aku nak nangis jer.. Tapi aku tak amik. Aku bagitau yang aku ada duit simpanan juga sebab sebelum ni aku keja..

When I was in highschool I was damn lazy.. Malas nak belajar.. but my grade was good so I tot kalu lulus dah kira okay la. My mom slalu ngadu ngan my grandma. My grandma nasihat aku slalu but I was so young so keras kepala ckit. Selalu balik kampung tak gi sekolah. So one day, i went back to see my grandma. N ponteng la tu. My grandma wasnt around dat monink. She went back home around 12 with book and pencil. Then, my grandma bagitau yang dia ikut kelas untuk orang2 tua di kampung tu.. Malam tu my grandma n me duduk2 kat meja makan after dinner. My grandma wat keja uma. Even mata dah kabur2.. jari pun dah keras nak menulis.. dia cuba juga menulis dan cuba hafal alphabet yang di ajar di kelas. She said.. kalu dari dulu dia belajar menulis dan membaca mungkin dia boleh ajar aku waktu aku baru masuk sekolah dulu. My grandma belajar smua tu semata2 mo tolong aku belajar. Sedih tul aku. Since dat day aku blajar betul2.. tapi bab malas tu susah skit la nak kikis. But here I am today.. got my degree.. got a good job. It's all for my beloved grandma. My granda.. a mom, a bestfriend.. my life!

I share everything wit her.. Dunno wat should i do without her.. I love you Grandma.. owez do..

My BirtHdAy

It's a beautiful monink ere... When I opened the front door juz now.. there were so many dragonflies flying low.. The horizon was clear blue.. I can feel the warmth of the sunlight on my face. The air is so refreshing.

I went down and sat on the grass with my coffee for few minutes. It was wonderful..

Whatever happened a year ago.. I still can feel the wound deep inside.. But there I was.. surrounded by God creations n it's BEAUTIFUL.

Today.. on my birthday.. Im thankful with all the lil' things I have cuz it has made a big differences to me..

Philosophy..

Im not sure wat philosophy is but I'll tell n membebel about wat I believe in life. I believe that.. the real battle of life is the battle within ourselves.

Dont take thing 4 granted becuz there are things dat u might lost n u will never get back.

Dont run from problems. It follows u everywhere. I know it's difficult but sure u'll feel epi once u survive it.

Dont be afraid to express ur feelings.

Always ask 4 forgiveness. Better late than never bcuz u might not have the chance.

Do good deeds. Do charity. There are many lil' things in life that can make a difference.

Be nice to people. Not bcuz that they will be nice 2u. It's dat u'll feel better about urself n u'll b blessed in return.

Dont look down to people. Dont juz simply hate people because of their looks.

Put urself in other's shoes. When u view things differently other than ur own perspectives, u'll think less selfish. U might even learn new things.

Be happy. No one can be epi 24 hours. Life can hurt and we may go through sad times. It's painful, isnt it?? But I learn sumthin... pain is sumthin u cant run from but misery is a choice.

One day if u'r married, never forget to visit ur parents. There are times when u accidently bring up old stories or try to share problems.. n ur mom start to bla bla bla.. Dont feel bad. Juz remember dat no matter how old u grow, how long u've been married, how many children u've had.. U will owez b their baby n they want the best 4u.

There's no such thing as perfect marriage... Exist only in a fairy tale.. but one thing I believe is to accept each other weaknesses.. Share problems n try to work through it.

Be a giver. Dont ask too much. Try to appreciate life n b thankful with all the little things we have.

Thinkin'

So here i am.. thinkin of wat am i goin 2 write ere.. Been a while. Bit bz lately.. lotz of stuff need 2b done. I skip a month.. I log in juz to check on important stuff. I didnt write for a month. Gosh!!

Suddenly.. diz monink I woke up n felt like writing sumthin but dunno wat.. So many things stuff ere in my head.. Dunno where 2 start.. Hmmmppfff..

I read a book - BEING HAPPY - diz past few weeks.. wow... Huhu.. Not dat im not epi now.. but the book cover caught my eyes.. N d quote rite in front is catchy. The author wrote: Maybe that’s why I like being around little kids so much. They’re naturally honest. When they’re not happy, they express it and then they go back to being happy. It’s refreshing. And there’s no reason we can’t be like that too. You probably won’t want to stomp your feet and scream all around town, but you can simply and honestly state how you feel and own it.

I like to read diz kind of books cuz there are so many things in life I tot I knew when da fact is I only know it 3metres down from the top.. The bottom is far down below. I have few collections and my favourite are Chicken Soup for the Soul & Why Men Marry Bitches.

Watever dat I membebel ere.. I am epi wit all the little things I have.. Lots of things make me smile everyday. Look into da mirror every morning and look at my messy hair makes me smile. Look at the sky on my way to work makes me smile. Look at people passing by while im waiting in da car makes me smile.

P41N is W0nD3rFul

I juz feel like talking bout pain. Lately I heard stories related to pain.. pain.. pain.. My buddy juz broke up. The other one is stranded in the middle of nowhere. We're human n human gets hurt. That sounds normal, rite. Everybody gets hurt once a while. So do I. But isnt pain wonderful? Hey.. it might sounds like im crazy but it's true.
Pain has its positive points. It causes us to contemplate.. change direction and even make us look at things differently. Actually, pain is an alarm system to let us know that sumthin is not rite n we need to do sumthin bout it. If you look at the bright side of the moon.. the hidden message if u feel hurt, let down or anything like it maybe.......

'LOVE THOSE IN YOUR LIFE WITHOUT EXPECTATION. ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE AND TAKE WHAT THEY WANT TO GIVE WITHOUT JUDGEMENT'.
I was there too... It took me years to change direction. Ahaha. Im a bit slow but sumhow I learn a lot. Few years back.. if sumbody let me down (yenno.. got dumped).. I wud spend whole day in my room crying like an idiot. I isolated myself. I wud find a part-time bf who in the end wud hate me. Few part-timer actually. N many other stupid stuff. Everytime I got hurt I did the same thing to make the pain go away but none made me feel good bout myself. It hurted me more.. Why? Cuz I tried to run from it.. Didnt have da gutts to face it.
So one day.. I juz realise that I should juz deal with the pain. Face it.. It doesnt hurt dat bad actually. Like I said before.. pain has its positive points if you deal with it. Now.. I juz tell myself.. ".. he left.. Yes, it hurts. So what!! I only lost 1 love.. I still have thousand with me. Family, friends and all..".
Not that it doesnt hurt at all anymore.. It take time. It will get better in time. And in time.. I dont do all that silly willy dwelly stuff anymore. I spent more times doing stuff that I like with buddies or family. I clean up my room. I do charity works. Buddies-nite-out... All makes me feel good bout myself.. Really really really.

Isn't It N1C3

It’s nice to know that you’re secured with that someone. That even if the rain is pouring hard and the sky is almost dark, he’ll never leave you just so you won’t feel alone. Even if his friends had left him (and even if he has to be somewhere else) he’d still stay by your side, just so you won’t feel alone.

It’s so good to know that you have someone who’ll be willing to help you cope up in every frustration you’re having. Every depressing moments, every down moments, every self-worthless-realization moments, he’d be there, not because you want someone to be with you, but because he wants to be with you.

It’s great to know when a person appreciates every little thing you do. Even a smile would mean a lot to him, just because you own that smile. And that even if no words are expressed as long as the eyes understand, you’d be able to communicate, just like that.
It’s overwhelming when a person tells you that he loves you for who you are. He may not have an answer when you ask him why, but really, he doesn’t have to have reasons for loving you.

It’s more grateful to know that someone is grateful to have you. We don’t choose the people who enter our lives, so it must be luck that you have that person, then you have to be thankful. It may just be coincidence or fate, but whatever the reason is, you have to be thankful in having him the same way he is thankful for having you.

It’s a wonderful feeling when you’re on the verge of giving up the things you’ve worked hard for, someone isn’t just helping you carry the weight on your shoulders, but he carries it on his own because he’d also be in pain when you are in pain. And then you’ll realize, trials would all be worth it as long as you have him, not because he would do things for you, but because you gather all the strength you need, in him and his love.

It’s a superb feeling when one is willing to take the risks just so you’ll be happy. It’s a nice feeling that when you’re apart, and days seem to be long, that person misses you. Yes, you might feel bad about not being with each other, but knowing that you feel the same way would drive those blues away, thinking, you’d fight over that feeling because you’re looking forward to seeing each other, and that’s something to be happy about. It’s a great feeling when he wants to be with you because of the happiness you have when you’re together. That even if corny jokes and senseless stories are told, it won’t matter as long as you’re together.
It’s a lovely feeling when someone thinks about your future, with or without him. He cares and he cares enough to think of you and what you’ll be someday. But of course, he also wants to be in it someday.

It’s a nice feeling when you can be who you really are with that person. No pretentions, no lies, no hypocrisy, because he accepts you for who you are. You can be funny, you can be embarrassed, but it won’t matter coz it doesn’t matter to him. Trust and faith in each other keeps you alive. And it will always do.

It’s good to know that you have someone who’ll not have the intentions of breaking your heart. Instead, he would be willing to mend it, picking up the broken pieces of your heart that your past love has scattered in the ground. He may not be able to put the pieces back to where they really belong, but you shouldn’t mind, because he had repaired that heart of yours, and he fixed it in his own way. He loves you in his own way, not the way your past did. He fixed your heart in a different way, to keep you from feeling the pains of your past heartache and to make you feel, the love, that he’s unselfishly giving.

It’s a great feeling when that person has every effort to let you feel what he feels for you. Because of the distractions, you may not hear him shout it to the world, but as long as you feel it, his efforts have paid off, big time. And when you feel the same way too… He’d feel as if he’s the luckiest person alive.
… when in fact, you’re more blessed to have him.

That smile..

I woke up this morning feeling that im out of place a bit n tried hard to remember the last moment of my dream. I stumbled across the room toward bathroom. At least the water warm enaff..
Then I sat on the bed and looked around the room.. the room was a mess..
Well, my life is a mess. Mmm.. not really a mess. I wont put it that way. A bit messy actually. I used to wish for a normal life.. craving for normal life. There were points in life when I almost give up hope then I found a picture last few years while cleaning up my room.. Sweet smile.. round dark eyes.. chubby n new grown hair on front side.. so cute n suddenly I start seeing things clear. The long journey ahead. Journey of life.
I realized that I cannot give up hope. Well.. life is a mess sumtimes n it's not a big deal. Mess is normal and life without a mess is totally not normal.. n not awesome at all. Few told me that at least i got a job.. well i wont say 'at least'. For me that is more than enaff. I pay my own bills. I laugh. I smile. I cry. I fell in love. I fell out of love. I plan for my future. I got problems.. I have life n im thankful wit all the little things I have..
So... with that sweet smile.. round dark eyes.. Im alive...

My B1RtHd4Y

My birthday again.. 2008. All mess up today.. We had a fight 2 days before.. He has to go to KL on my birthday. I dowan no present. I juz want him around. Dats all. Hmmmff. Nevermind. Again.. as usual..

with a mug of coffee,

my lil black tech n cigart..

here I am in my room pondering bout life.

I should wake up smiling today. C'mon.. it's my birthday.. Who cares about all the fighting n those stupid stuff.. Problem is normal.. It can be settled later on.

Friends called to wish me epi birthday. Thanx fwens.. 40 wishes hopefully would make the magic word "HAPPY" come true. My mom n bro n sis came to wish me epi birthday. I dowan my mom to worry bout me so I smiled.. n I smiled n I smiled.. My mom bought me a birthday cake.. Thanx mom. Mom n bro n sis left early.. They must be thinking dat I have plan with Musuk. Hmmmpppff.. So.. wit dat fake smile on my goofy face and cake on my left hand.. I waved.. Bubbye mom.. bubbye sis.. bubbye bro.. Lurv u all too.. Muah muah.

As the car dissappeared.. so did my smile... I went inside my house.. light the candles and sang myself a betdei song.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

My G1FT

My birthday present... Got it early... Lurv ya..

My B1RtHd4Y

So today is my birthday... a mug of coffee.. my lil black tech.. lil black dress...

Ehemmmm.. announcement to make... Im updating this 'orange part'.. Forgot to share the gud part of my birthday. I got my fav watch a month early for my birthday... Swatch Chessboard - Core Collection. Huhuhu... I was damn happy when I opened it but as usual I juz smile and tried to be as cool as possible. Eheheheee.. Actually, I wud jump around and scream like a lunatic. Tq Musuk. Lurvvv it. Mmmuah.